Non-Jews are for practice
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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