While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
