Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
We left the knife in your bed.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
