my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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