I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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