I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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