Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
