Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
