what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
