dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
