i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
