so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
