After last night, I could never be a politician.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
