You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
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