Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
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my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
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I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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