Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
