I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
