so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
