someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he shaved USA in his pubs
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
