i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
