I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
