You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
