Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
