We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
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Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
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Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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