tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
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