I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
birth control should be required to get into college
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
