We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
then he tried to convert me to islam
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
