I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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