Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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