While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
