I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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