I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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