My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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