I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
