if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
