We should be called the Road Head Warriors
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
