I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
accomplished twins. life is a go
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
