i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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