It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
