Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
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It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
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Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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