I met the friendliest cop last night
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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