Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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