My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
