Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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