I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
