I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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