Umm I'm too high to move.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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