im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
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