he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
