I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
