Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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