Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
